Confessional
(a prison chapel confessional. CONVICT confesses to PRIEST)
CON: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
PRIEST: Yes, 162943?
CON: The wrath of God possessed me, father, and I did strike down one of my brethren.
PRIEST: I’m sorry to hear that, my son.
CON: Yes, father, I did twist his neck until it snapped in three places, and then I cast him into the void off the top landing in E block.
PRIEST: This is a very serious confession, my son. Who was the unfortunate wretch?
CON: Monsignor Wills, father.
PRIEST: (scandalized) Monsignor Wills? You understand, do you not, that even to raise your hand in anger against a member of your church is a mortal sin in the sight of God and an affront to the Eternal Redeemer Himself?
CON: Yes, father.
PRIEST: Then what on earth impelled you to do it, you vile felon?
CON: He gave me a penance.
(pause)
PRIEST: Oh well, in that case I’d just go away and forget about it, my son, these things happen, you know. How’s your basket weaving coming along by the way?
CON: Oh very nicely thank you, father. I did quite a pretty pot holder last week.
PS
This is about as close as I ever got to following some old friends from uni into TV land. Richard C and Rowan A landed the Not the Nine o’Clock News gig in 1979 and it became the hottest show on the box. I bombarded the production office with sketches and the producer John (Hitchhhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Blackadder, QI) Lloyd eventually must have got so fed up with me, he invited me in for a chat. This little number and something else, I can’t remember now, got as far as being enshrined in a blue rehearsal script, to be available for possible inclusion in the show. I personally saw Griff as the concerned priest and maybe Mel as the recalcitrant prisoner. Alas, this was as far as it got. For all I know, blue might well have been only the bottom rung of the ladder, with an entire rainbow to get through before your little piece was actually committed to videotape. Ah well. So near. But John Lloyd was then and has continually been since, not only a genius but a thoroughly nice guy. I’d work for him again anytime…