Marriage Interview
MAN sitting at desk. GIRL enters.
MAN: Ah, Miss Gotobed, you’ve come to apply for this job as my wife.
GIRL: Yes, sir.
MAN: No no, let’s start as we mean to go on. Call me Handsome.
GIRL: You’re handsome, sir.
MAN: (makes note) Fine. Now, what makes you think you’d make a good wife, Miss Gotobed?
GIRL: Well, I once trained as a teacher.
MAN: Good. (writing) Likes discipline.
GIRL: And I’m a cordon bleu cook.
MAN: Likes eating.
GIRL: And I can make beds.
MAN: Likes do-it-yourself. Fine. Can you lay a table?
GIRL: Well, I once had a very small chairman…
MAN: It’s a start. Now Miss Gotobed, a short initiative test. I come home from work one day and say “Oh God, I’ve been fired.” What do you do?
GIRL: Er, offer you a cup of tea?
MAN: Is that all?
GIRL: There’s coffee.
MAN: No no, aren’t you missing something?
GIRL: Oh of course, black or white?
MAN: Not too hot on the initiative are you, Miss Gotobed? Try this. How would you set about rousing me in bed?
GIRL: Shake your shoulder and call wakey wakey.
MAN: No, that’s not quite what I had in mind.
GIRL: Rise and shine?
MAN: Hmm. (makes notes) Intelligence. Now then. (mimes picking up the objects in turn) Can you tell me what this is?
GIRL: That’s a copy of Penthouse.
MAN: And this?
GIRL: A fan belt.
MAN: This?
GIRL: A can of lager.
MAN: Very good. But would you be able to replace any or all of them at a moment’s notice?
GIRL: Oh yes, my father was a sex-mad alcoholic with a clapped-out Renault.
MAN: Splendid. (quickly) How about this?
GIRL: That’s a Black and Decker three-speed duo-tine drill with Sampson chuck and
Cross-thread detachable bit with attachments for saw and sanders.
MAN: I like the look of you, Miss Gotobed. I think we should work very well together.
GIRL: Does that mean I’m hired?
MAN: For a short-term honeymoon period at least. I’ll be putting you on shift work to start with of course – shift this, shift that, you’ll soon pick it up. Are you free in the morning at all?
GIRL: Why?
MAN: I’ll be holding a short practical exam in the bedroom. That will of course include an oral. Think you can handle it?
GIRL: Oo, will it be very hard?
MAN: Well, that very much depends on you, Miss Gotobed, doesn’t it, ha ha ha? Still, I’m sure you’ll come up to scratch.
GIRL: Thank you, sir.
MAN: Handsome. Remember, we’re equals now, Miss Gotobed.
GIRL: Oh yes.
MAN: Right, well, I think that’s all for now. And don’t worry about a thing. (shakes her hand) I’m sure you’ll find we’re just one big happy family here.
PS
What makes you think this was a very early one? I don’t think I’d even been on a proper date with a real live sentient woman at the time I wrote this. Would it fly today? I can imagine not, but why, precisely? Who is the victim? The woman, yes, but we are not mocking her, are we, we are sitting there appalled at the behaviour of the man. Yet he’s still in the position of superiority isn’t he? How? He’s a monster. He doesn’t deserve his power. And yet there he sits in all his smug bastardry. So what are we going to do about it? Learn, as men, to be a bit more bloody considerate and empathetic, for one thing. I felt that then, I feel it even more strongly now, with a wife and a daughter. Such a shame that the women back then didn’t have a clue what they were missing in me. But it was their loss. That’s what you’ve got to keep telling yourself. Their loss. Oh yes. Yes indeedy.