No Smoking

Cinema stalls. A sits there minding his own business. B, C and D are also in the vicinity, smoking.

After a moment, B leans over to A.

B:        Here, mate, do you know you’re sitting in a smoking seat?

A:        Sorry?

B:        You are aware this is a smoking area?

A:        Oh yes. Yes, I don’t mind really.

B:        You intend to sit there not smoking all evening?

A:        Well, yes. I’ve given up actually.

B:        Oh, given up have we? Oh, pardon me for having cancer.

A:        I’m sorry?

C:        Have a bit of consideration for other people, mate. There’s plenty want to smoke even if you don’t.

A:        What do you mean?

B:        Look, we didn’t pay good money just to sit here and watch you twiddle your thumbs did we?

D:        Sucking your teeth.

C:        Rustling sweet papers.

A:        Now just a minute. I came here to watch a film and enjoy myself.

C:        If you want to enjoy yourself you’re going to have to smoke.

D:        Yeah. And no sneaking into the bog for a crafty bit of fresh air either.

B:        Some people, come in here, don’t even have the courtesy to cough.

C:        Here, come on. (offers a cigarette to A)

A:        No, really –

B:        Come on, what are you afraid of?

C:        We not good enough for you to smoke with then?

A:        No, really, it’s just – well, it’s a scientifically proven fact that cigarettes can be lethal.

B:        Lethal? When was the last time you saw someone run over by a fag, ey?

C:        Been reading too many colour supplements with pictures of open-heart surgery you have, mate.

D:        Been watching too many Horizon programmes.

A:        Look –

D:        When was your last attack of bronchial asthma then?

C:        When did you last wake up choking on blood?

A:        What?

B:        What does your doctor look like?

A:        I – I can’t remember.

C:        Can’t remember? Must be one of them health freaks.

B:        Yeah, all raw vegetables and walking to work.

A:        Well, I admit I jog –

B:        Jog? Oh, pardon me for only having one lung.

A:        Look, this is all –

C:        Yeah, we know your sort. Slavering round the park in your Steve Ovett tracksuit with your tongue out, frightening babies. I bet you never have to sit down for a rest halfway through the washing up do you?

B:        I bet he can even taste his food!

A:        Look, I really find this most offensive –

D:        Offensive! You find the sight of terminal illness offensive do you?

B:        That’s how Adolf Hitler got started, mate.

A:        Look, if you don’t all shut up I’ll –

B:        You’ll what? Hold your breath for half a minute? Do four press-ups?

C:        Look! Look at his fingers! Not a stain on them!

A:        You’re all a bunch of raving lunatics! (he leaves)

B:        Oh, moral condemnation now is it?

C:        Verbal abuse now?

B:        I hope you choke on your orange juice, mate!

C:        Catch a squash ball in the goolies! (but A has gone) Thank Gawd for that.

B:        Yeah. Can’t stand people with B.O. can you?

(they all settle back, smoking contentedly)