Snooker Interview

Sports INTERVIEWER and BARRY, who wears just a pair of fluffy pink underpants.

INTERVIEWER:        Welcome back to Sports Unlimited, and the news here is that Steve Brown, that young snooker prodigy, has just won this year’s championships, and I’m happy to have with me the losing finalist, Barry Cockcroft. Hello, Barry.

BARRY:                     Hello, David.

INTERVIEWER:        I’d have been happier still to have with me the winning finalist, but he’s still signing contracts for toiletry commercials. So Barry, as loser of this year’s championship, what do make of this young wunderkind Steve Brown?

BARRY:                     Well, all credit to him David, he played a good game.

INTERVIEWER:        Certainly good enough to beat you by the biggest margin ever seen in this competition, Barry.

BARRY:                     Well, this is snooker, David. Some you win, some you lose.

INTERVIEWER:        And you certainly lost with knobs on, didn’t you, Barry? Eighteen frames to one.

BARRY:                     Two. Eighteen frames to two.

INTERVIEWER:        Same difference, Barry. Tell me, exactly how small does that make you feel?

BARRY:                     Well, I don’t begrudge it to the lad, David, though without making excuses                                    I have actually been under a lot of pressure this week.

INTERVIEWER:        Yes, I was going to ask you, Barry, do you think you might have put up a better show if your wife hadn’t left you earlier in the week?

BARRY:                     Well, obviously that was on my mind, David, but as a professional you try not to let it put you off your stroke.

INTERVIEWER:        You call yourself a professional, Barry, but you did in fact collapse sobbing over the pink in the second frame, didn’t you?

BARRY:                     Yes, yes I did.

INTERVIEWER:        Saying ‘How can I pit a colour that reminds me of my wife’s buttocks’?

BARRY:                     Please, David, I’m trying to forget that.

INTERVIEWER:        Well, to refresh your memory we have it in slow motion here, perhaps you’d like to talk us through it?

BARRY:                     Couldn’t we go on to something else?

INTERVIEWER:        Okay, Barry. I understand your wife took the children with her when she walked out?

BARRY:                     (getting tearful) Yes she did.

INTERVIEWER:        And you haven’t seen them since.

BARRY:                     No.

INTERVIEWER:        Well, I’m sure they’ll be looking in, watching you humiliate yourself tonight. Perhaps you’d like to give them all a big loser’s wave?

BARRY:                     Hello, kids. Daddy misses you. Kiss mummy for me.

INTERVIEWER:        I don’t want to cause you any more distress than I have to, Barry, but since this is live it would be a pity to miss the opportunity. Is it true that your wife burnt all your clothes before she walked out?

BARRY:                     Yes she did, the bitch. All she left me was this pair of underpants.

INTERVIEWER:        Ah yes, the famous pink underpants. I believe they cost you rather more than excruciating personal embarrassment, Barry?

BARRY:                     Some referee fined me £100 for being improperly dressed in the semi-finals.

INTERVIEWER:        A hundred pounds you can ill afford, Barry, considering the legal fees.

BARRY:                     What legal fees?

INTERVIEWER:        Following the divorce. Your wife has told several Sunday newspapers that she intends to screw you for everything you’ve got.

BARRY:                     I don’t believe this.

INTERVIEWER:        How will this impact, do you think, on the operation you were planning to have to cure your sexual dysfunction?

BARRY:                     Who told you about that?

INTERVIEWER:        The same cut-price prostitute ‘friend’ of yours who told me about your                                          forthcoming hair implant.

BARRY:                     Look, what are you trying to do to me, you bastard? I’ve lost my wife, my kids, the most important tournament of my life –

INTERVIEWER:        Yes, thank you, Barry, if I could just stop you there –

BARRY:                     – my dog’s died, I’ve got mildew in the attic –

INTERVIEWER:        – I’m delighted to say that the man who wiped the floor with you this afternoon has just walked into the studio – Steve Brown!

BARRY:                     Oh my God.

            (STEVE, a smug bastard, enters)

INTERVIEWER:        Hello, Steve.

STEVE:                      Hello, David.

INTERVIEWER:        Well, Steve, what can we say about you that hasn’t been said already?

STEVE:                      Great. Fantastic.

INTERVIEWER:        Indeed. Not only did you win the final today but during the week you actually managed to get off with your opponent’s lovely wife Jessica.

BARRY:                     What?

INTERVIEWER:        Tell me, is there any truth in the rumours we’ve been hearing in the bar about her voracious, not to mention highly perverted, sexual appetite?

STEVE:                      Yes, David, I’m happy to say they’re all true.

BARRY:                     You bastard.

                                    (BARRY leaps on STEVE and they fight)

INTERVIEWER:        Well, that’s all from this year’s snooker championships. Next on Two we bring you live coverage of the All England Boxing Finals featuring Steve Brown and Barry Cockcroft.